1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch >a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce the Same? Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer

Frog Business

A beautiful, well - endowed, young lady named Carol goes to her local
pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "S e x Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)."
Carol excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, I'll take one."
Robert packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
Carol nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Carol takes out the instructions
and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very s e x y teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
At this point Carol is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, Carol calls the pet store. Robert says,"I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, Robert is ringing her doorbell. Carol welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Robert, looking very concerned, he picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

20 Reasons you know you live in 2003;


1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do
not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells
for half the price you paid.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this
to...

It's time again to review the newest "Stella" Awards
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella
awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds -
the teens who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat - was filed
after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list
with out question.
Here are this year's winners:

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of
a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And a drum roll for the Winner
1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto
the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly,
the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The
company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in
case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
That's the American Justice System...... Hard at work!